tWIstEd Christmas 2008
by awfullybad
Summary: The Harvest Moon DS characters from tWIstEd share their holiday spirit with the reader! What fun


**A/N: PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE READING THE STORY. I wrote this Xmas special the Chrsitmas of 2008. If you have not read most of tWIstEd,which you probably HAVE NOT because most of tWIstEd was published on a website other than , you might not understand everything the characters are talking about. Still, I encourage you to read if you don't mind some few spoilers, SINCE THIS DOES CONTAIN SPOILERS. :C Either way, enjoy!**

_Christmas is tomorrow and so I asked the characters of tWIstEd to be kind enough to wish you readers merry Christmas in their own special little way...So um, without further ado, I'll begin~_

FIRST IS THE CCCC~!  
  
**R****O****L****L****E****R****;**  
Roller is busy baking cookies! Roller has stopped with Roller's important business for this! Roller spilled icing all over Jum!! *ahem* Roller wishes everyone a Merry Cakemas! No, Roller is not right...Cakemas...Chr-Christmas! Roller wishes everyone merry Christmas!! Roller wishes everyone to bake lots and lots of cake! Roller wants everyone to give their cake to Roller! Roller! Roller's strip club would not be successful without cake! Roller also hopes that everyone will remember to bake safety. Roller hopes that no one's oven explodes! Roller is in fear!! Roller also will tell you that you should never trust fat guys who touch your weewee!! Now Roller will take a moment of silence to honor Guts and Baby, who Roller has killed recently. Actually, Roller killed Baby but Guts killed himself. Still! Roller takes the blame! *heaves a sob*

*moment of silence*

Roller's words of advice this holiday season are, "You gotta do the cooking by the book!"

**H****O****P****P****S****;****  
**  
HO HO HO BITCHES. Santa Claus here, breakin' your back! HO HO HO. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?! Santas got an ass load of DILDOS IF YOU WANT. DO YOU WANT? NO??? *ahem* I was chosen, by great Master Billy Mays, to tell everyone merry Christmas. WELL I WON'T. I R SCROOGE N U CANT STOP ME. Don't think that the ghosts of Christmas whatever the hell mahjig are coming, because I killed them all! Every single one of them! Im going to be spending the Holidays in prison, where I'll be faced with a giant, burly man's weewee up my ass! UGH. The nerve of some homos~ I was talking to Jum about this the other day, about how I would spend Christmas in prison with a guy's bajinger up my ass, and he started giggling! SO I SOCKED HIM IN THE GAWDAMN FACE.

There is a lesson to be learned from this, children. NEVER TALK TO JUM. HE'S A LOSER. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD SMOKE.

*lights cigarette*

**T****E****P****;**  
Yo, motha f*_beep_*uh's! Merry f*_beep_*kin' Christmas, hoes! What chu gunno do fo Chritmas?? Imma shoot Hopps in the f*_beep_*in face, that's what IMMA do! Imma cap that sonavah b*_beep_*! Imma be like, "Yo, home slice, look what I chu fo Chritmas," then _BANG_. That f*_beep_*ker is dead! I'a take care uh Jum too. I be like, "Hey f*beep*ggot, I'm gay."  
"Teehee, really?"  
_BANG_. Dat f*_beep_*ker is dead, too! I steal they presents and me 'n Keira gunna smoke uz a joint. I know how'da handle Christmas. I steal yo presents too, b*_beep_*t! You dun think I can, but I got resources, I got people in high places! People who gunna shoot cho asses down, gonna steal yo money 'n candy so me and mai girl can f*_beep_*k wit 'um!! Yee, that's right, Imma enjoy MAH Christmas. Ya'll b*_beep_*tes drive safe, 'n dun let me catch chu ridin' dirty!!

**J****U****M****;**  
Yay! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! So so, um, I hope everyone is going to liek, have a great holiday? Gets lots of presents and stuff?! Yay! I know that I'm getting a present from Tep~ teeheeehee! He told me I'd love it! I think I should get Roller some nice lacey panties for when he strips! He is such a hunk!! Ooo~ I just can't wait to play in the snow, even though Tep and Hopps always pelt me with snowballs until I bleed, it's still so fun!! And I hope to eat lots and lots of fruitcake! Oh...that reminds me...

Last Christmas, Hopps kept calling me a fruitcake and he kept throwing them at me! It hit me in the head and I was knocked up! I mean, out! Knocked out, teeheehee~ When I woke up Hopps told me a really weird gay joke to try to cheer me up! The joke was,

"Why is a hamburger gay?"

I couldn't answer, because I was so offended, so he threw the fruitcake at me AGAIN and I was knocked out, for the rest of the time!

I hope I get better presents than last year. Tep gave me a dead cow skull and Hopps gave me AIDs prevention medicine. Roller was nice enough to give me a bubble bath kit! Teeheee~

Oh, I should probably stop now! Again, merry Christmas! 3

By the way, I wonder why a hamburger is gay anyway! Hmm...

**&****&****&**

_Ooookay~ Now it's time for the the heroines of the story to express their holiday cheer~_

**M****I****Y****A****B****I****;**  
I dont know about you, but I have a _ton _of mistletoe in the house. Of course, I kicked Kaoru out, temporarily, but I'm _sure _she doesn't mind sleeping with Stacy. (That freakin' insane horse...). I'm going to invite all the guys over the farmhouse and make out with every single one of them. Then I'll get us all drunk and have sex with every single one of them! Maybe Lukina will f*ck Rock for me...That would be sexy! He could shove candy canes up Rock's ass while I have a massive orgasm.

Of course, I'll definitely save Skye sex for last. Best is last, right? I'll get him to do me all night long. Kaoru would still be sleeping with Stacy. Hell, she'd probably be having sex with him! I don't know...Kaoru's kinda weird.

So guys, I want all of you to go out, get drunk off eggnog, f*ck a bunch of guys, whether you're male or female, and enjoy the holidays for all they are worth! Cheers!

Oh, and do the same thing for New Year's~

**K****A****O****R****U****;**  
I always liked Christmas. I always went to prison to visit my family members. Uncle Tim, Uncle John, Uncle Kiki, Aunt Samuel, my father, my mother. We had lots of fun. Although, I only saw them for a short time, they always gave me something interesting for Christmas. Sometimes I got a knife, cocaine, marijuana, dildos, or even better, the head of a man that Aunt Samuel killed. She was a very vicious women.

My grandparents were the only ones that weren't in prison, so I ate dinner with them, and we usually had pig feet and midget liver. I never ate the liver, for fear I would become a cannibal. After dinner I went to the local animal shelter to check on the animals for the night, since everyone was usually gone and all the poor animals were left alone.

I remember one time I was there, a highly venomous snake bit me and I nearly died, but a very kind dog sucked the poison from my wound. He died, of course, so I buried him the next morning.

I have a feeling that Christmas with Miyabi will be awful. She's already kicked me out of the house so I have to sleep with Stacy. He is very interesting. He tells me many stories. The gaping bullet hole in his thigh is slightly troubling, though.

I hope you guys have a better Christmas than me.

**&****&****&**

_Now time for everyone else~_

**  
****R****O****C****K****;**  
Ah, Thanksgiving! I remember this day...I used to love going to Lumina's house and eating all of her turkey, and then telling her she gained so much weight after her meal. HAHAH! She punched me so many times!

*sigh happily*

It's times like that I really think about what I'm thankful for. I look back at my sex life with the Ocean and think, _'Damn, how could I have gotten a more beautiful girl?_'! I couldn't! The Ocean is the best of the best! She and I have been dating for a coupe months now, and even so, our sexual biology is great.

The Ocean is so strong, like me. She's so vast, big, beautiful, smart, brave, adorable, sexy, expansive, brilliant, free, fun, kind, gentle, loving, hot, sexy, genius, alluring, burly, independent, jolly, blue and loud, just like me!!! HAHAH!!

I think for this Thanksgiving, I'm going to go to Lumina's mansion and get her to smoke Crass with me! Boy, would that be great! I'll get my gay friend Cliff to smoke with us too! We could be the Three Oceanmigoes! HAHA!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I hope you've been a good kid this year! I know I have! Right, Ocean?

**L****U****K****I****N****A****:**  
It seems that I will have to be the one to have an open mind. Hmph. Well, I know that not everyone celebrates Christmas, and that is perfectly fine. So I'm here to wish the readers happy holidays, whichever holiday they chose to celebrate, because really, you shouldn't put someone down for being different.

Just because someone doesn't do, or think or act the same way you do doesn't make them wrong. Honestly, if the world had a bit more open minded people we wouldn't have problems like no gay marriages in Harvest Moon. Thanks to Marvelous and Natsume, I had to turn into a girl just so I have a chance at sharing the rest of my life with my lover....who thinks Im a girl. *ahem*

We live in a sad world. *tears*

Oh, but I suppose the holidays are for cheerful things...I was never really happy with Christmas when I was younger...I got such pretty dresses from Auntie, but my parents never gave me anything because they hated me. They always gave my sister something though...I hate that little slut! Oh, where was I? Yes..how I was unloved because I was a transvestite. See, if people were a little more accepting...

*goes on three hour rant about tolerance*

Oh _GOD_. Now that THAT is out! I feel so much better! Happy Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, may I be the first gay president...!!!

*faints*

**C****L****I****F****F****;**  
Oh...um, I....well...um, m-merry Christmas...I think...*tries to smile* Oh um...I-I wonder what I'm getting for Christmas? Rock said he'd give me Crass, b-but what I really want is...is Yaoiboy, or a chance for Gray to love me again....h-he...it would be nice for him to forgive me, although I now love Rock for some reason...actually, I-I know why...Rock is so...vast, big, beautiful, smart, brave, adorable, sexy, expansive, brilliant, free, fun, kind, gentle, loving, hot, sexy, genius, alluring, burly, independent, jolly, blue and loud...it's really sexy...But you know, I would like it if Gray kissed me o-one last time...I-I would..! I would...! *breaks down in tears and heavy sobs*

_Um, maybe we should move on!_

**V****E****S****T****A****;**

_O JINGER BELL, O JINGER BELL, HOW LURBLY R YER BRANCHES!_  
It be Xmas time here on da farm, and I gots Celiyer workin' overtime, HURRAH! She be growin that there vegetables andd that there uh...other vegetable. I er, told Celiyer to get me the Nascar DEEBEEDEE fir Xmas! I ain't givin' her notin!! She broked a hole in dat damn RUUF! I think I'uh watch me some Nascar on Xmas whiile I make Celiyer bake meh seven dozen turkey! Ya see, I be goin' on a diet! I usually eat ten dozen turks! HURRAAH!

Now, ya'll folk enjoy yerselves this Xmas, and if ya happen to see Mar'in, tell dat sonavu bit to gert his white ass back on mah telemabishion! ROAR!!

**K****A****T****E****;**  
Kukuku....ehehehe...HEEHEEHEE! I don't celebrate Christmas. No, it's too much of a joyful holiday. Instead of giving presents to people, I cut their f*beep*ing heads off and offer them to the great Lord Da-chan!!! KEEKEKE! Then I drain the blood from their dead, rotten bodies and I sell the fluids to Celia in exchange for carrots, which I use TO STAB INNOCENT CHILDREN IN THE EYES WITH! KEKEKEKE! Yes, yes...this Christmas will be a blood bath....starting with YOUR HEART, WHICH I WILL RIP OUT WHILE YOU SLEEP, AND IN EXCHANGE, KEEKEKEKEKEKEKEEKEK*shot*

I LIVE ON!! IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!

**R****I****C****K****;**  
Eggs chickens Kai Kai eggs Kai chickens. Chickens eggs Kai, Kai Kai Kai. Eggs! Eggs Chicken! Kai! Eggs chicken, chicken Kai eggs Kai, eggs eggs! Chickens, eggs, Kai, Kai, eggs chickens, chickens! Eggs eggs. Chickens Kai eggs Kai Popuri is a bitch Kai eggs chickens Kai is mine Kai. Eggs.

Chickens eggs eggs Kai chickens Kai eggs chicken Kai Kai Kai eggs chickens eggs Kai eggs! Kai eggs chicken eggs chickens eggs Kai. Kai. I hate Popuri Kai eggs chickens. I love Kai, eggs chicken eggs Kai eggs.

Kai. Kai. Kai. Kai Kai Kai Kai eggs Kai Kai Kai chickens. Kai! Kai Kai Kai! KAI!!!

**G****O****T****Z****;**  
Howdy yall. I'd like to wish everyone a very merry Christmas.

For me, Christmas has always been so depressing. I killed, I mean, lost my family many years ago in a blizzard on Mother's Hill. It was a shame. I never smiled again after that...I was so happy, I mean, sad, that I didn't even cry, either. So I've spent my lonely Christmas nights all alone. Sometimes the bee man comes, but that's only when he needs to hire me. Hire me for what you ask? Bwahaha...

You don't need to worry about it.

Did I mention I am very handy with my axe? Oh, right, back to...Christmas. *sniffle* I guess this Christmas will be just the same. I guess I'll have to stare at my British flag, which I recently placed on the wall, and sing songs to the Queen of England while I weep sweet years of joy, I mean, sorrow.

Keep safe this holiday. *smiles*

**V****A****N****;**  
Ho ho ho! Guess what I did this season! I volunteered to be Santa at the mall! That's right, I had many little children sitting on my lap this weekend. I actually poked a poor boy in the butt with my giant boner! Oh well! I had much fun. Every time I was supposed to say "What do you want for Christmas?" I told the kid, "GET IN THE VAN!!"

I was fired within two hours. But I stole pictures that the parents took of the child on my lap. Pedobear will pay fortunes for those!

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas dinners. I know I will! Last Christmas, I devoured the whole thing, food, glasses, plates, table and cloth all before anyone could eat! Wahahah! It was not nearly a feast big enough for Van! Later that night I walked, well, I couldn't fit through the front door, despite my super thin waist, so I just busted in through the walls, screaming, "OH YEAH!!". Well, anyway, I busted through neighbor's walls and gobbled up all _their _food! Ho ho ho! Then I got drunk and molested all their children!

Oh boy! The memories!

**S****K****Y****E****;**  
Well, I always had a rough Christmas when I was younger. It wasn't because I didn't get anything, it was just that my lovely parents always gave me dresses and bras and makeup. They were determined to turn me into a girl. I had to suffer through wearing the clothes and being molested by my uncles, but I dont know, I kind of liked wearing pretty things. It's only natural for a man with such great masculinity like me to want to wear dresses.

This year I planned to steal the villagers things and then give them back, but randomly. I'd be the Secret Phantom Thief Santa Skye of Forget Me Not Valley! With a title like that, no women could resist my elegance and charm. *winks* I bet your panties are all wet right now, hehe.

I think Miyabi wants me to do her all night long. Of course, I don't mind, as long as she doesn't use any strange sex toys. The corn thing was quite messy...*ahem* So it seems as if I'll have a wonderful Christmas, which I am very thankful for.

Although, I want to give Miyabi something special for Christmas. Sex is great, but I need something more delicate. Maybe a ring, or a necklace. No..Miyabi doesn't wear jewelry. *sigh* I fear the only thing she'll want are more vibrators!

Phantom Skye wishes every one of you lovely and dedicated readers a wonderful holiday~ *blows kiss*  



End file.
